Doubt

I am currently reading Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge.  I was intrigued by the authors' discussion of the Fall of Eve; Genesis 3:6 "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." I have read this verse many times.  In fact, Scott and I discussed the first 3 chapters of Genesis quite a bit while we were preparing for marriage but somehow I missed the last part.  "She also gave some to her husband, who was with her."  I don't know why I have always assumed Adam was in some other part of the Garden rather than a witness to the serpent's temptation.  I now see this passage in a new light.  Adam could have stepped in and stopped Eve, but he didn't.  He too was mesmerized by the serpent's speech and began to doubt God's intentions.  God gave man and woman the ability to doubt.  I wonder if things would have turned out differently if God had withheld this attribute.  Could we still be living in the Garden of Eden?

Now don't get me wrong I understand that it was all part of God's plan and He could see it coming but it is interesting to ponder on a World not plagued by doubt.  Last weekend Scott and I watched a movie called "The Invention of Lying."  The movie is set in a world where everyone tells the truth.  People are completely and brutally honest.  There is no withholding of information to preserve a person's feelings...every thought is spoken aloud.  Then one day the main character tells a lie.  Of course the person on the receiving end of the lie has no idea it is a lie.  She believes him because she has no reason not too.  Anyway the story continues and the guy begins to tell lies to everyone he knows.  There is no doubt...no one questions him.  I imagine our world would be similar if God had not allowed doubt to creep in; although hopefully less crass.  I fell asleep before the movie ended so I'm not sure how his lies were received in the end and I can't say I necessarily recommend the movie unless you happen to be very bored.  But I digress. 

This one short verse explains so much about the world today.  We are plagued by doubt which causes men to escape through passivity and women to succumb to insecurity.  I long for a different world and know that it exists and it is waiting for me.  But until the day I enter Heaven (which hopefully is very far in the future) I want to learn to dismiss the doubt and learn to trust.  I want to let go of insecurity and walk with confidence.  The next few years are filled with uncertainty as Scott and I navigate through medical school and then residency.  I know God has everything planned out and I wish doubt would stop taking over. 

I will leave you with one of my favorite  quotes by Brennan Manning "The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious and secure and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decisions or guarantee of the future.  Why?  Because God has signaled the movement and offered His presence and His promise."  I pray that I can remember this in the years to come and in the moments when I begin to question. 

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

The other day I took Dora to the vet.  They did not seem to be busy so I assumed it would be a quick trip.  However before we were called back to the exam room an emergency came in.  The dog was in bad shape and needed immediate attention.  The receptionist apologized and assured me the doctor would check Dora out as soon as the dog was stable.  No problem...a little waiting won't hurt.  An hour later we still had not seen the vet.  Rather than offer to reschedule our appointment we were asked to wait.  Keeping a 4 month old puppy entertained in a small room with no toys is not an easy task.  As she became restless, I became increasingly irritated.  The vet finally examined Dora for all of 2 minutes then recommended a test.  He did not deliver the test results but rather had his vet tech relay the treatment plan that would cost us over $300.  I was livid.  Not only did we have to wait for more than 2 hours;  I was not impressed by the level of care received or the excessive plan of action.  I declined many of the recommendations because it appeared we were treating every symptom 3 ways. Finally we headed home.

I promise the ranting is over and I hope you will find the above illustration drives home my point in the end.  After this incident I realized that I don't like waiting.  I am a patient person in many circumstances but unfortunately have given into the societal notion of instant gratification.  Look around and you will find that technology has allowed us to become a generation of impatient people.  We have digital cameras so we no longer have to wait until film is developed to view our photos.  We have instant coffee rather than waiting 10 minutes to brew a pot.  Go to the grocery store and you will see break and bake cookies because who wants to take the time to measure ingredients and mix up cookie dough?  Add to this list nail polish that dries in an instant, Internet that connects instantly (goodbye dial up), instant oatmeal, 5 minute oil changes, and rapid rise yeast for the baker that wants to make homemade bread but doesn't want to wait for it to rise.  

Moving to Dominica required throwing away this idea of instant gratification and embracing the idea of waiting.  It was difficult at first...rather impossible to understand...but I slowly gave into the island time mentality.  I knew that I might wait in line at KFC for 30 minutes only to discover there was no chicken left.  I understood that a vet visit would take no less than an hour because the vet would most likely not show up on time.  Walking everywhere meant that I could not get anywhere in a hurry.  I am shocked at how quickly I have readjusted to the American way of impatience.  Unfortunately it is so pervasive that it is difficult to ignore.  On my way home from dropping Scott off this morning I was followed by a very impatient driver.  She honked at every intersection because traffic was not moving quick enough.  I have no doubt she has a very busy day ahead of her and was already behind but at what point do you just accept the waiting.

God tells us to wait.  Over and over in scripture we are told to wait.  Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."  Psalm 37:7 "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him." Isaiah 64:4 "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."  I could go on and on but I think you get the point.  We are meant to wait.  I know you have all heard the following sayings "patience is a virtue" and "good things come to those who wait."  Why then, as Americans, do we put so much emphasis on things acquired instantly?  So here I am in the words of Jack Johnson "sitting, waiting, wishing."  For what?  A job.  In the past 2 weeks I have had 4 interviews.  They have all gone very well and I have received one job offer.  I turned it down because I felt God saying "wait."  As I face another week of unemployment I question whether I made the right decision.  However, I hold onto hope knowing that I have a second interview with a high profile accounting firm on Monday.  It is a place I would love to work and they seem interested in me too.  So for now I am listening to God and waiting...and hoping that the wait will be over soon.

In case you are now concerned with Dora's well being.  She is fine.  She has a very common skin issue that we are treating with antibiotics and Ivomectin.  We assume she developed it because she was weaned very young and did not receive the proper antibodies from her mom.  She is already showing signs of improvement.